I think it's safe to say I've abandoned this.

I am a poor and dying man.


I really feel like shit. I think I need to be needed. And I hate that feeling. I don't want to depend on anyone else for my happines, because it not only hurts me in the end, but hurt's them too. I don't know WHY I depend on someone else, and I've learned that in the past, you can't change what you don't know.

God, I hope that's not true.

I have meningitis. One symptom shy of all of the bacterial ones.


Bacterial meningitis is deadly.

Song I wrote a long time ago. Not really about anyone.

(Verse 1)
Kept in the dark, shut out of the light,
Locked in a prison, dreams lost in the night.
Half set emotions without mind or choice,
Screaming one name till the world hears this voice.
Moved by the image replayed in minds eye,
Touched by an angel in spirit of sky.

(Chorus)
Surreal thoughts and backwards dreams,
Unfocused illusions and terrified screams.
A past in the ashes for loss of a life,
Trying too hard, caught up in the hype.
One last kiss goodnight from a grieving soul,
Overprotected by one who is whole.

(Verse 2)
Haunted by words, the message enclosed,
Too weak to fight, is this what I chose?
Chasing the dream that proved without hope,
Caught in the act, don’t know how to cope.
The problem child that needed more,
The army of one man that won the war.

(Chorus)

Kept in the dark, shut out of the light,
Locked in a prison, dreams lost in the night.
Half set emotions without mind or choice,
Screaming one name till the world hears this voice.
Moved by the image replayed in minds eye,
Touched by an angel in spirit of sky.

(Chorus x2)

spit and scream on life
the torture you've been sentenced to
when faced with the senselessness
the most just turn their head
and break down, crumbling like clay

bite into the sour apple
fight the bitter taste with licking dust
when the moss begins to grow
on your back you will be sorry
to have spent your life in slavery

here's to the clergy
burn down all your steeples
here's to god
thank you for never taking care
here's to his angels
who never have been there
here's to jesus
thank you for your suffering
that was so unabandonable
for this shit some call living


in the ruins of utopia
rats have nisted in your head
everyone is purchasable
automatic and mechanical
exchanging cold metal with skin

we are blinded and shivering
by the luminescence of an empty heaven
facing god's rightful vendetta
on his devoted dumb white sheep
so glad i got you by my side now

here's to the painful black maria
mother you have sold your children
here's to the fallen priest
who abuses his server in the name of god
here's to the despaired prayers
that never ever reached an ear
here's to the holy cross
in whose name people were killed
there is blood on the cross now
violence that can't be easily censored


you say you're curious about hell?
then open your eyes, your right in its heartpiece
but then there must be a heaven too
and here i found it in your warm arms
let's hold each other while this world dies

come let your rage out
you kept us waiting for too long
come down and end this torturing
we're better off dead than serving you
the motto's called freedom or death

here's to intolerance
and to persecution
here's to denial
and to damnation
to conviction
and zealotism
here's to killing
and desperation
to all suppressed rage
neglect and pain


time decries for a new messiah
someone who wouldn't let us down
this false belief has done its deeds
religion is lobotomy
we both will watch this planet bleed